In Pursuit of Knowledge
I thought doing a Ph.D. might give people a sense of knowing, a sense of being capable of understanding a subject, which no layman can.
It was not long ago when I passed my high school with very good grades and felt like I know lots of stuff about chemistry, physics, and Maths. I knew how the basic physical laws of the universe work, how chemical reactions work, and how trigonometry works. Although I had no real-world connection to this knowledge, still I felt like I knew something and I am good at it.
During my Bachelors' and Masters’, attending all the courses and getting good grades were enough to make me feel good about my knowledge domain, and about myself. I had never heard of “imposter syndrome” by that time and Thank God!! I didn’t, otherwise, my dreams would be crushed way earlier, they would dare to find a path.
It was later when I started my Ph.D. at one of the best places in the world. From the very first day, I was conscious of talking, I never wanted to look like a fool in front of people, who talk “science language”. Gradually, as much as I was emerging into this world, I have realized, everyone literally everyone was living in their pit hole of the same feeling of “not knowing enough”. It is like you should feel, you must feel like one of the smartest people on this planet (at least in your topic). While it is completely opposite.
As you go further in the duration of your Ph.D., you feel lost and stuck at the same time. Initially, you have a hope that maybe at some point after 2–3 years you will reach the so-called “knowledge stage”, where you would be able to deliver the best of your knowledge in your field to other people of the same field. Later the reality hits harder, harder than you expect, it is like the mind is some “Blank Space”, no matter how many papers you read, how many lectures/seminars you attend, how many podcasts you listen or how many conversations you have with these elite people of the community. It feels like nothing, and I have no idea to which part of my brain this information transforms. I am not sure about the black hole of the universe, I have definitely felt a black hole in my brain, where I am dumping some knowledge every day.
PhD is about knowing as many things as possible, to know that you don’t know about them.
Now I have come to the conclusion that a Ph.D. is about knowing as many things as possible, to know that you don’t know about them. It is like discovering another world of knowledge every day and on the other hand digging a place deeper and deeper to put all those things, you don’t know about. Piling up all the research papers I wanna read, my youtube channel is filled with the “later watch talks” section, a computer’s hard disk is filled with more papers than life is filled with happy events. It is a loophole where I am trapped. And it’s just like my mind is so heavy that it has stopped processing. I just keep feeding new things, not knowing where the hell they are going.
This system called “brain” hangs like my computer. I feel the most stupid person because now I know nothing about basic science, or maybe I do and it is there in some part of my brain. I have no idea! I am doing a Ph.D. in mathematics and lately computing 40 % of 2400 is so hard for me. I am not sure it makes sense or not for you but it definitely does to me. I don’t know anymore what are the basic physical laws of the universe, how chemical reactions work, and what is trigonometry supposed to do. If you ask me what Newton’s first law of motion is, I might like to skip this question, Because it is too much to ask my brain to process!!
